A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher
asks Tommy if he can spell BEFORE.'
He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."
The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"
Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."
Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong."
The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"
Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."
"Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"
Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."

One day, a father was reading his paper, when his son
came in and said, "Dad, will you take me to the zoo tomorrow?"
"No," said his father, "If they want you, they can come and get you."

Why did the child study in the airplane ?
He wanted a higher education !

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time.
After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.

"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand why
they were killing each other for 25 cents."

"What on earth do you mean???"

"Well I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of
the game all they kept screaming was:

"Get the quarter back!  Get the quarter back!"

Teacher: Can anyone give me the name of a liquid that won't freeze ?
Pupil: Hot water !

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN....... The day finally arrives; Forrest Gump
dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter
himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the
Gatekeeper. St.Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling
up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone.
The tests are short but you have to pass them before you can get into
Heaven.

Forest responds, "It shor is good to be here St. Peter, Sir. But nobody ever
tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was
a big enough test as it was." St. Peter  goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but
the test is only three questions.

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees
St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a  chance to
think the questions over, tell me your answers."  Forrest says, "Well,the
first one-how many days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that
one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow. The Saint's eyes open wide and he
exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but... you do have a
point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that
answer."

How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?" "Now
that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I
guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's
name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forest says
"Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I
see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll have
to give you credit for that one, too.

Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first
name"? "Sure" Forrest replied, "it's Andy." "Andy?!" exclaimed an
exasperated, frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up
with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did
you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?"  "Shucks, that
was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song.
"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN......"

Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census taker
came by. She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor
and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy.
"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a
little girl. Do you know what it means?"
"Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include
the anesthesiologist!"